Dear Eric: Over the last 10 years, the father of my grandchildren has been a severe alcoholic. Two years ago, my daughter left him.
After he had been living on the streets, my daughter asked if he could stay in my basement so that he would get sufficient rest and be able to have the children with him; she knows it’s important for the children to be with their dad. I agreed.
This young man has been unemployed for at least two years. He has been going to AA, and although he has relapsed several times, he has not been violently drunk the way he was in the past. He seems to be working the program.
I lent him $300 in July to pay part of an open court case he has. At that time, I wrote out that he had to have a job and pay me back the $300 by a certain date, or he would no longer be living at my house.
He has interviewed for many jobs but is still unemployed. I don’t know if he self-sabotages or doesn’t follow through. What I do know is that housing him is expensive for me – feeding a 28-year-old male, and the added electricity and other utilities that, of course, he uses.
The due date for the $300 is looming. Part of me thinks that his children need to be able to see him still, and maybe I should let him stay; the other part of me says that he needs to move out. He’s been given ample opportunity to make good on what he owes me and to be employed. What do you think?
– Full House
Dear House: The car may already be out of the driveway on this one, but it’s probably helpful to separate the loan from the housing agreement. He needs to pay you back either way. And he needs to move out.
Right now, you’re overextended. You’re housing your daughter’s ex, you’re feeding him, and you’re loaning him money. It’s too much for you and it’s too much for the fraught relationship you have. I’m curious what he’s contributing to the house in return for a place to live. Even without a job, he’s capable of helping around the house, of cooking, of cleaning, of showing up for you.
While it may be good for the children to have their father in their lives, you should ask whether living under your roof is the only way for him to accomplish that. Perhaps the best place for him right now is a recovery house, where he can continue to get support in working his program, as well as support and accountability in his job pursuits.
Talk to him about housing first. It shouldn’t be a punishment for not repaying the loan. Instead, frame it as a conversation about the best path forward for everyone.
Dear Eric: I am organizing a workplace event for approximately 50 participants and requested that they RSVP. To date, only five individuals have responded. Should I assume that the remaining invitees will not attend? If some of them arrive without confirming, how should I manage the situation? Given my limited budget, is it necessary to prepare food for all 50 people?
– Confused
Dear Confused: Send out a “last call” reminder to RSVP and be sure to note that if people don’t RSVP, you can’t guarantee that there will be space or food for them. And then only prepare enough for the yeses, with a buffer of an extra 10 percent or so, to help navigate anything unexpected.
Dear Eric: Your answer to “Concerned Dad”, the letter writer who was worried his daughter had fallen for another “player,” left me wondering, “are you kidding?” The flashing, warning sign was obvious in Dad’s third paragraph: “…after over three months, they have not seen each other on a weekend.”
The guy is either married or has a full-time relationship going on. I write this “opinion” from the perspective of the many single women who buy into the “tired/migraine/busy” excuses. Daughter needs to face reality and Dad needs to understand she doesn’t want to.
Thanks for many fun morning conversations with my husband.
– Been There
Dear Been There: Quite possibly so. If the daughter had written in, I’d have been more inclined to reply, “find someone who can see you during non-business hours.” But the dad, for all of his good intentions, is letting his concerns get him too involved in his daughter’s dating life. He’s expressed his opinion, and she’s made her choice. Sometimes we can’t pester our loved ones into better choices. But, to build on Ann Landers, when they wake up and smell the coffee, we can be there with a fresh mug and a supportive shoulder.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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